Diaries of a Band
by ILoanADogma
Summary: PG 13 for language and some,er, other things. Title is basically self-explanatory. V. Funny. So, what really goes through the minds of each instrument? What does that trumpet REALLY think of the clarinet? Everyone included, drum major-drummer-sax+more
1. Diaries of a Clarinet

Diaries of a Clarinetist  
  
You know, it's amazing what happens when you're on a sugar high at midnight..  
  
Disclaimer: Ok ok, most of the people in here were ahem, *borrowed* from my band, do have the intention of returning in almost working order though. For all the people in band who KNOW me, this is definitely an AU. To make it clear, I have nothing personal against the drum major, just that he's overly perky and grinds my nerves at times. Also, it's just fun as hell to slam the drum major. Some lines taken from Secret Diaries, others from Robin Hood Men in Tights. Do we like drum majors bending over? Yes.we do.  
  
If you were just reminded of 'The Very Secret Diaries by Cassie Claire, I would like to take this time to say that this idea was spawned off that. Brilliant writer, she is. Moving on, I'll probably have an entire series on this, dunno. To clear it up, when I refer to 'Saxophone, Trumpet, or Piccolo,' it means that section leader. They're really the only characters; everyone else is pretty much a freshman slave.  
  
Oh yeah, some of the instrument personas were, ahem, dare I say.. exaggerated? Don't worry, have nothing personal against trumpets or drum majors OR clarinets, (am one meself 'smatter o fact) by it's just bloody fun poking humor at them. Also, am freshman myself. And no, I'm not a slave to my section leader. (Though the freshman trumpets are.) *cough*  
  
DIARIES OF A CLARINETIST  
  
By: Silinde  
  
Day 1 Plans of World Domination foiled once again, but this time by new happy- go-lucky drum major. Shiny whistle swings about his cheery little neck, throwing raspberries at me. Was forced to admit there IS someone in a more strategic position to conquer all of bandom than I, the first chair clarinet. Am v. sad.  
  
Later Feeling much more perky, backhanded a freshman piccolo. God it's fun being evil.  
  
Day 2 Band camp. Boot camp for the underprivileged. Confronted trumpet section leader today about World Domination. She seemed v. offput by idea, but brightened up when I said she could have the drum major as her spoils. Drum major may be v. happy, but v. sexy. Do we like drum majors in white band pants? Yes. we do.  
  
Day 3 Caught percussion captain sneaking off with majorette captain, amidst squeals of 'Ohhhh I never KNEW you could THAT with a DRUM STICK.'  
  
Am most disturbed.  
  
Day 4 Am shocked. Was dragged into dungeons (aka band director's office) and interrogated about my plans to rule the universe. Director stood by, asking things like 'this is the 23rd time now, isn't it?', with annoying pretty boy drum major standing behind. I mustered up evil woodwind death glare, and was sent free.  
  
Later Trumpets! Evil, slimy, disgusting brass.  
  
Day 5 HEATHENS! Was betrayed by trumpet! So stupid of me. Drum major not only drum major, but drum major is a trumpet! Gah! Trumpet considered offer of drum major and world domination, but then realized she already has drum major ALL to herself, they're cousins.  
  
IIIINNNNCCEEEESSSTTTTT...  
  
Day 6 What do you get when take superglue, "Kiss me I'm musical!" boxers, rope, the drum major, and a flagpole? Mwhahahaha.. World Domination certainly closer.  
  
Day 7 Homecoming Parade. Soo tedious. I mean, one can only smack freshman clarinet slaves upside the head so many times before they pass out and become a nuisance. Also, have evil plot. When homecoming football game starts, am having freshman clarinet slave glue the ball of his whistle to the whistle itself. Ha, HA! Dunno though, Saxophone caught me muttering to myself about evil schemes once more.  
  
Later Curses! Scheme fails! *Pout* Nobody wants me to take over the world! 'S unfair! Stupid piccolo freshman slaves formed a circle around drum major and chanted "Hell no! He won't go! Hell no! He won't go!" Drum major looking v. nervous, as freshman piccolos are all about groin height. Wonder how he'd feel with my horn shoved up his.  
  
Day 8 No Fair! Director has bullhorn! Alas, yet another to 'dispose of' so I may complete my World Domination.  
  
Later Am currently hiding in small band locker. Don't know what went wrong. One moment was planning to take down drum major when was surrounded by angry mob of brass and woodwind alike. Cannot cope, have been threatened! Piccolo and Trumpet both flexed fingers above their instruments menacingly. I'm not stupid! I've seen American Pie! I can only hope, that this diary of mine will someday be found by a young clarinet, who shall then know the truth and continue my work of world domination! Cannot write anymore. They have taken the band room. I have barred the locker, but cannot hold it long. They are coming..  
  
(A/n): Well that was amusing to write. I'm going to start on a Trumpet one now, though not sure. Tell me what you guys think. Exits are located on the 'back' button on your browser, and be a happy bunny and review. Thankies! 


	2. Diaries of a Trumpet

Yes! I've done it again! This time you are looking at  
Diaries of a Trumpet  
  
A few basic disclaimers first: I do not own Kiss Me boxers, that's all Sarah, and I do not own band members. Remember, days from diary to diary do not necessarily correspond with each other and the events. Also, I own "Hell hath no greater.." Phrase. Don't take it. And please, PLEASE review! My bunny shall smile down upon you.  
  
Day 1  
  
Had another sugar high. Bounced up and down and up and down and up and down. Oops.  
  
Day 2  
  
Clarinet approached me with World Domination plans. Again. Told her nope, world domination SO boring, why not do something more exciting, perhaps like opening up a donut shop?  
  
Later  
  
Have been offered sexy man drum major by clarinet. We shall see.  
  
Even Later  
  
I love it when Clarinet's face gets all red and puffy.  
  
Day 3  
  
Have talked to Saxophone about Clarinet. Sax says 'not to worry, just a phase, and blah, blah blah.' Saxophone then cut though by strange muted sounds coming from percussion closet. We walked away quickly, as we don't wish to presume.  
  
Day 4  
  
Squealed on Clarinet. Actually, sent small bendy little freshman trumpet to squeal on Clarinet, as Hell Hath No Great Fury Than A Pissed Off Woodwind.  
  
Later  
  
Freshman midget sent back to me, all burnt and crispy. Am off to buy candy!  
  
Day 5  
  
SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR!  
  
Day 6  
  
Ugh. Major sugar hangover.  
  
Day 7  
  
Drove to rehearsal only to see very shocking sight. Would have fainted if drum major weren't my cousin. Being related prepared you for things like that. Hey, why's everyone staring at me? Bloody hell, I suppose SOMEONE has to help him down. Guard members shooting daggers at me though. Ha.  
  
Day 8  
  
Clarinet caught in another scheme. Was attacked by angry mob. Impressive what little piccolo freshman banded together can do.  
  
Later  
  
Ha! Look at Clarinet run! 


	3. Diaries of a Sax

Yes, she cranked out another one.  
  
Diaries of a Saxophone  
  
Day 1  
  
New drum major. Tedious. Trumpet went on another sugar high, ended up completely crushing Clarinet's instrument. Ha! Hell Hath No Fury Than that of a Pissed Off Woodwind. Not cool.  
  
Later  
  
Clarinet swiped my shades! Majorly not cool! *Tear* Probably using them to hide from Piccolo. Heard that Clarinet backhanded one of her freshmen or something.  
  
Day 2  
  
No rehearsal today for me, Dentist appointment! It's not cool having icky teeth you know. Heard there was yet another Clarinet-Trumpet scuffle in my absence.  
  
Day 3  
  
Trumpet chased me down for another heart to heart conversation. Listened impatiently as Trumpet was keeping me from my Hot Topic! (A Goth store) Hurriedly attempted to mutter something about phases and growing up, but was interrupted by.something. Now know why no one but percussion has ever been allowed in percussion closet.  
  
Day 4  
  
Nothing funnier than a huffy woodwind, especially a clarinet. That's all I'm saying.  
  
Day 5  
  
Trumpet's done it again! ANOTHER sugar high! Have banded young sax freshmen together with piccolo and trumpet freshmen to secure and lock Trumpet away in Tuba locker. She's more of a danger to herself with all THAT running through her blood stream. Clarinet's freshmen were too busy cowering to help. Poor, poor clarinets.  
  
Later  
  
Felt sorry for one freshman/slave clarinet. Gave him my leftover breadcrumbs. Freshman seemed v. grateful.  
  
Day 6  
  
Started a petition to free freshman clarinet slaves, go me!  
  
Day 7  
  
Clarinet found out about petition, took anger out on drum major. Overall results quite amusing.  
  
Day 8  
  
Kill the clarinet! Kill the clarinet! Forget the coolness of a sax, there's an angry mob moshing in front of a trumpet locker! Someone's poking a stick through the hole in the door and small squeaking sounds can be heard. Mwhahaha! Mosh! Mosh! Oh, look! They're doing a tribal death dance! Wee!  
  
Hehe, and make sure to review, or I'll do YOUR tribal death dance! ;-) lol 


	4. Diaries of a Piccolo

Next in line,..  
  
Diaries of a Piccolo  
  
Day 1  
  
Day very slow; new drum major, trumpet on a sugar high, Clarinet plotting World Domination. Nothing out of the ordinary.  
  
Later  
  
Am on a man hunt for Clarinet. Sassy woodwind had the odasity to backhand one of MY freshman piccolos! She's just around the corner in tacky sunglasses, pretending she's invisible. I'll teach YOU for touching one MY freshman!  
  
Day 2  
  
Band rehearsal. Or band camp. Or hell. Pick your definition. Saxophone faked an orthopedic emergency to get out of warm ups, left with the trainer smirking at us all.  
  
Later  
  
I'M GONNA KILL THAT $&#@&*@# OF A CLARINET!  
  
Day 3  
  
Have been hearing rumors. A shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind.. and how couldn't it with the sounds of snogging accompanying my Bach piece.  
  
BAD drummer. BAD.  
  
Day 4  
  
Got to be prison guard for Clarinet, much fun. Trumpet supposedly squealed on her, though was smart and sent freshman trumpet to squeal instead. Was most shocked when Clarinet confronted by Director. Clarinet opened her mouth and a gust of fire and heat flew out, scorching the unfortunate freshman who happened to be standing at the Director's side. *Sniff* Is that barbeque?  
  
Later  
  
Yep, it's barbeque.  
  
Day 5  
  
Trumpet went on another sugar high. There's a shocker. Spent my morning rubbing ointment on crispy freshman, as Trumpet officially 'indisposed'.  
  
Day 6  
  
Saxophone started petition to free little midget clarinet slave freshman. Ha ha! HA! Now Clarinet won't have anyone there to massage her feet after those long rehearsals..  
  
Later  
  
Signed my name, never felt better!  
  
Day 7  
  
Wow. WOW. Had no idea drum major could bend..certain things that way...SOo evil..Yet so..WOW.  
  
Day 8  
  
*Sniff* Looks like Clarinet got herself into another tizzy of a mess. Can't believe how uncivilized everyone's acting! Look at that; a big bonfire in front of a random locker, war cries,.. AH! What's happening? Feeling...Ooh, VIOLENT. Oh screw etiquette! Who wants some barbeque woodwind??  
  
(A/n: I know I do!! ;-) Next diary will be 'Diaries of a Drummer'! Now, my bunny's growling at you, you must not have reviewed yet. :) ) 


	5. Diaries of a Drummer

Ignoring the threats of bodily harm, I decided to take my time with this one. But here it is, none the less.  
  
Diaries of a Drummer  
  
By: Silinde  
  
Day 1  
  
Met v. friendly majorette captain. Told me she needed one of the extra guard hats from the percussion closet. Told her no, that extra guard hats in band room, everyone knows that.  
  
Later  
  
Dude, do not piss off a girl with a pointy metal stick.  
  
Day 2  
  
Was attacked by mob of girls with flagpoles. They crowd me like..uh... Something really crowded. Dude, not nice. Dude! Does that rifle have something in her eye? She like, keeps blinking her eyelashes at me..  
  
Day 3  
  
Won't you take me to..FUNKYTOWN! Won't you take me to, FUNKYTOWN!  
  
Later  
  
Am shocked. Was like, so easily seduced it even scared the majorette captain. Also found out why the senior drummers carry their drum sticks around in their back pockets constantly..  
  
Day 4  
  
Another day, another guard member.  
  
Later  
  
Have started charging admission.  
  
Day 5  
  
I think Clarinet's in trouble. I mean like, the smoke wafting out from the band room can't be like, good.  
  
Day 6  
  
Walked into rehearsal today to see funny drum major tied to big flagpole in only strange boxers. Am losing all my guard members. Am not that sad, my energizer batteries have about worn out.  
  
Wait a minute, when did we get a new drum major?!?!  
  
Day 7  
  
Homecoming Parade. V. boring. Decided to spice things up. As band was marching up v. big hill, shouted "FLAT RABBIT!" as loud as my little like, percussion lungs could like, shout. Everyone stumbled and sniggered, throwing even the section leaders out of step. Perhaps I could of have like, waited until we were PAST the judge's stand. Nah.  
  
Day 8  
  
Some kind of weird party going on in the band room. Not sure what, though smirking senior told it was a wedding for band director. Didn't think there was supposed to be chanting and blood dances at weddings, but some of these band traditions are just strange. Ah well. Leaves me to my closet..AND my drum sticks...  
  
A/N: Well, that was certainly entertaining to write. Give me your impute, should it be drum major or band director next? Please review, or my bunny will rip you apart.  
  
Cheers,  
  
Silinde 


	6. Diaries of a Freshmen Clarinet Slave

Many people have given me their ideas on what the next diary should be. Popular consent would say I'd have written 'diaries of a drum major' followed by 'diaries of a trombonist'. However, one reviewer struck me with an idea so intriguing that I could not help myself.  
  
Diaries of a Freshman Clarinet Slave  
  
By: Silinde  
  
Day 1  
  
SHE has tossed aside a tissue. Yay! Now I have a diary. Am busy cowering under bleachers with two fellow slaves as new drum major is crowned.  
  
Later  
  
Still Cowering  
  
Day 2  
  
Ah! Ah! SHE'S coming! The demons of hell have unfurled their mighty wings and bared their scorching teeth. Ow! SHE'S got me by the ear!  
  
Day 3  
  
SHE comes yet again, like a monsoon about to destroy a small lighthouse atop a cliff. Yes, SHE comes, looking for someone to massage her feet. Curse HER, curse band camp, curse this vile life of servitude!  
  
Day ?!??  
  
Was smacked upside the head so at homecoming game that have lost sense of time and day. Not mention the feeling in my left cerebrum.  
  
Day 1 since headsmacking  
  
Ever notice how much like politics band is? I mean, you got your scheming politicians who are bent on world domination, and you have the general, decent, voting public. Or freshmen slaves. I suppose it depends.  
  
Day 7 (head has cleared up sufficiently)  
  
Woooooooooo. Pretttty drum mmmaaajjjooooooooooor  
  
Day 8  
  
Word got around about petition to free us. The Society Of Saxophone Adoration ( SOSA) has just been started. Worship times are Sundays at nine a.m., and weekdays at five p.m. Come in and share. Open your heart, love someone today.  
  
Later  
  
Was in the middle of cult worshipping Saxophone when heard blood curtling screams. Not unusual, but when heard it was a scream other than that of a freshman we chose to investigate.  
  
Approximately five minutes later  
  
Yummy! Not sure what this meat on a stick is, but Trombone assured me it was a rare delicacy. This is good stuff, must go get more.  
  
(A/N: Hehe, I've decided. Trombone and French Horn/Euphonian or whatever next, then administrative types. Hmm, gotta fit a Tuba in there somewhere. Now review! Remember, my bunny is watching you.) 


	7. Diaries of a Trombonist AND a French Hor...

Hello again! Decided to take a different approach on this one, and actually combine two instruments. Also, the format's a little different. If there are any instruments I've overlooked, let me know. ;-) Please keep in mind this is a marching band, not concert.  
  
Also, in the diary "Boner" and "Frenchie" will be talking to each other. Just think of it as dialog without the punctuation. :-D  
  
Please make sure to review, makes much less work for me. Also, my bunny is kinda hungry..  
  
Diaries of a Trombonist and French Horn(ist?)  
  
By: Silinde  
  
Day 1  
  
Greetings! Frenchie and Boner here! Such strange things have been happening lately that we've decided we must record them. So here goes.  
  
Day 2  
  
Well look, another day, another dying woodwind. Shall we play a commentary Boner?  
  
I think so Frenchie!  
  
Well, it's a lovely day here in the band room, where it looks like it's gearing up for another rip snorter!  
  
Ah yes Frenchie, today's competitors are Piccolo and Clarinet. What say you on the odds, Frenchie?  
  
Well, Clarinet's had a history of World Domination schemes to fall back on, but I've never seen a Piccolo so riled up! Look at those flexing fingers! I don't know about you, but I'm learning a lesson! Never touch a Pic freshman!  
  
I agree. And there they go! Piccolo and Clarinet have circled around another, and oh! Pic takes the first swing..and is it? Yes! It's dodged by Clarinet! And another swing from Pic that-oh! That one's gonna hurt in the morning!  
  
Oh yes, that's going to leave a dent-Oh my! Look at Pic beat on Clarinet like that! Mercy, mercy!  
  
Yow! All I can say is that if you have small children, leave, now! That is just brutal!  
  
And Pic seals it with another blow..eesh! Uh, Boner, why is the band director looking at us like that?  
  
Urm..what's that violent hand gesture he's making?  
  
Uh oh. Maybe we should---ahhH!H!HOIRSHL$ER#----  
  
Day 6  
  
Ugh. Boner and I have just been released from captivity. Cruel, cruel cruel cruel. I will not write of the horrors we saw there. Just put it this way. Neither us nor Clarinet will be sitting down for a week.  
  
Day 7  
  
Have recovered enough to attend next band rehearsal, I-  
  
Later  
  
Wow. Drum majors shouldn't have.. those...  
  
Day 8  
  
Jeez! When will the violence end? Now they're in the band room cooking prime clarinet rib.. Boner and I are going to go into a corner and discuss insightful politics. Although..perhaps we'll get some barbecue first.  
  
Later  
  
Yummy!  
  
(A/N: Let me know what comes next, you guys are always first! X-D) 


	8. The LongAwaited Diaries of a Drum Major

Sorry it's been so long, but end of the year finals and all that other junk has been extremely time consuming. But, never fear,..  
  
Diaries of a Drum Major  
  
.is here! (And in a different format!) Woo, exciting!  
  
Day 1  
  
*Prance Prance Prance Prance* Am ruler of the universe! Have just been crowned king of all creation, and over all living things on this wasteland we call Earth! I now own the clarinet section!!!  
  
Oh, I'll make Clarinet PAY for that wedgie in my freshmen year..  
  
Later  
  
Clarinet in most foul mood. Teehee!  
  
Day 2  
  
Was forced to remain composed and rigidly serious as I hatched my conspiracy against Clarinet to the band director.  
  
Also, got pretty day-by-day planner for being drum major! Wee! Alright, here's my week so far.  
  
Monday-Make Clarinet's life miserable  
  
Tuesday-Make Clarinet's life miserable  
  
Wednesday-Gloat to make Clarinet's life miserable  
  
Thursday-Eat  
  
Friday-Lead rehearsal, brainwash freshmen, then accidentally drop Clarinet's horn off the top bleacher  
  
Saturday-Win band competition, thank no one but myself, Sleep, then have random freshman slave give me a back rub.  
  
Sunday-Look busy and industrious  
  
Day 3  
  
*Tear* Was called a pansy. Am in shock. I AM NOT 'the pansiest, most pretty boyish drum major that ever nanced down the field'!*****  
  
REVENGE!  
  
Day 4  
  
Was thinking about who would replace me once 'my time' is up. Then I decided I don't like anyone and no one likes me, so therefore I'll just have to achieve immortality. Can't be that hard, I mean, being drum major is only a fraction of a step down from being God.  
  
Right?  
  
Day 5  
  
Am feeling most smug today, as my divine creature theory was proven true. A sophmore approached me and said, (and I quote!)  
  
"As God, why can't you make the football team actually win a game?"  
  
I told you so.  
  
Day 6  
  
Aaaazzzzzz-----%*^&$*#*%$*&..  
  
(A/N: Well, it appears our drum major, er, left off here. Can't imagine why, really, it was so entertaining. Perhaps something happened that, well, left him incapable of writing, perchance? But then, one really never knows now, do they? Ok ok, just keep reading. You'll find our what happened in due time. ;-) The next diary will be of a director, naturally, but it will take place after the drum major's, er, incident. Please review, (for your sake, not mine, after all my bunny is pretty hungry) and keep on reading!  
  
-cheers, Silinde  
  
*Footnote* 1) Yes, I admit it, I borrowed a line from Cassie Claire's secret diaries about the nancing down the field. The original line was 'Daddy said he was the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike'. God I love that woman's work. 


	9. Diaries of a TUBA

It's been awhile, but..  
  
Diaries of a Tuba!  
  
Day 1  
  
New drum major. Celebrated by spraying a can of string cheese down his pants. Following reaction was most amusing.  
  
Day 2  
  
Band camp, woot! Ran up and down the football field 5 times with my sousaphone on my back. Got strange looks from freshmen. Ha! They're just jealous because THEY don't have such a manly man tuba!  
  
Later.  
  
Rolled down hill. Bad idea..bad...  
  
Day 3  
  
Made a bra and thong out of masking tape and wore it today. My counterpart baritone player joined me. Felt wonderfully free and....breezy.  
  
Day 4  
  
Had some barbeque. Dunno WHAT it was, but I never ask questions like that. If it smells like fish, eat it! That's one of my sayings.  
  
Day 5  
  
Trumpet on a sugar high! Almost beat me running up and down the field. Almost.  
  
Day 6  
  
Hmm, seems like Clarinet is extremely P.O'ed...maybe it's because Saxophone has rallied all her freshmen slaves around her..  
  
Day 7  
  
Ha! Drum major has been hazed! Alright! Nothing like this has happened in a long time! It's about damn time they started this! *sniff* Hey! Barbeque! Clarinet? Yes!  
  
*sound of munching fades into background* 


End file.
